I'm beginning to realise that, if I am to pick myself up out of where I am now, that I am going to require huge doses of hope.
That means that I'm going to have to work extra hard on the days when my spirits are down. Extra hard to block out any negative self talk. My 'chatterbox' of a head will start telling me things like.....'you're never going to make it, you've failed so many times in the past what in the world makes you think you've got a shit show in hell of making things any better this time?' and 'it's no use, you'll never be able to change, you might as well just accept it' and constantly going over and over the negative wrap that mental illness gets in general.....if they spent as much time writing about success stories of people who have got well and better, giving out hope, they might find it creates a spin off effect, and in actual fact people start believing that there is hope and that in actual fact they are going to get better.
Instead at the moment, look anything up about mental illness on the internet and you'll be greeted with an overwelming amount of negative press. They'll talk about the problem, illness, bad stuff til the cows come home but very not near enough do they talk about anything positive.
I do believe that if people are not aware enough, and all they read is the depressing and negative stuff about bad prognosis etc, that they will be at risk of believing what they read and therefore creating a self fulfilling prophecy. If they read that there's a bad prognosis for their 'label'/diagnosis, then there's a good chance some of that shit's gonna seep into their subconscious isn't there? There's a good chance they're going to start believing it.
That's where you've got to find your own personal suit of armour. And that's where you've got to go and search for people who are going to be positive about you and who believe in your ability to get well. I believe that is so important.
I believe that there is hope for somebody like me. To be honest I can't afford to think any other way. Yes, there is no doubt that I am not where I'd like to be in life, and that I've had to learn some pretty hard lessons and fall down hard. But.....I believe I am actually getting better, despite all of the chaos.
My mind and my thinking has been severly affected over the years. I mean, I didn't even know about the concept of positive thinking until last year! That means for the majority of my life I've been a negative thinker and totally unaware of it. That's pretty scary. That means I would have built up some pretty sturdy and ingrained ways of thinking.....negatively that is. That means it's going to take some concerted effort on my part to begin to make changes to my old patterns of thinking.
A book I'm reading at the moment, one that was recommended to me a couple of years ago but only now am I ready to read it - 'You can heal your life' by Louise L Hay.....anyway she talks about in this book how when you first begin to committ to making changes to your ways of thinking, that initially your mind is going to totally rebel! It doesn't want to have to change. So in some ways it's actually really good to know that for at least I can be prepared for it.
And yes, I can feel my mind going through that 'rebellion' stuff at the moment, with the constant negative self talk telling me I'm not going to make it etc, etc. Of course it will try to feed me up with all that shit, it doesn't want to have to learn new ways, and it doesn't like change. It doesn't like the status quo being shaken up.
Anyway, I'm working my way through this book at the moment and finding it really good.
I really am determined to make some more solid positive changes.
Last year I gave up cigarette smoking after 17 years. That's a real achievement for me because I struggled to give up for years. That makes me realise that if I can do that, then I can continue to make really good positive changes. Changes that I once believed I would never be able to achieve. So when that thought comes up I just have to remember back to giving up smoking - for years I never believed I would be able to give up, but I did! So these things that may seem impossible, in actual fact are not. They are quite achieveable. Never say never!
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Sad today but hope is there
It's been over 6 months now since I last worked. And even then it was only fleeting.
I guess reality is starting to sink in for me now. Now that I don't have any medication to blur my world or numb me.
No, it's not as I would like it. I seemed to have established some patterns and behaviours which aren't good. In fact which are past slightly rocking the boat, but which are causing untold grief.
Sometimes I don't know where to begin......where do I begin to make my life better?
The biggest obstacle for me at the moment is actually convincing myself that it is possible to change. That I'm not just going to end up on the scrap heap. A life full of failure and problems. Because that's where I feel like I am now.
Some days I feel hope, and I feel as if I have some insight into what's happening and how to change it. For instance, I finally came to realise that for many years I lived my life from the perspective of a 'victim'. I always blamed someone or something for my problems. Granted, I did take some responsibility for various things that went wrong in my life, but not all it seemed. And I don't think it's possible to make substantial change until I totally stop thinking and acting like a victim. Because I give all my power away when I come from that kind of a perspective.
I wonder if the medication dulls the senses on a continuous basis. So that a person is never really able to face the total reality of their situation. Maybe it's because some people aren't ready or able to face it all. Maybe there's too much to face and it seems to overwelming. I really don't know. I wonder if that's all the medication does though, year after year dulls and numbs. Mucking around with the persons natural body makeup and ability to sort through the problems. And when you are down and vulnerable and broke, and the only option you have is conventional medicine, and because I live in a western country, then it seems to me that my options are very limited. The system only offers conventional treatment, ie the government only funds conventional treatement. If you want to try anything else outside of that, you have to come up with the money yourself. Bit of a catch 22 situation I would say, if you don't come from a rich family or have some kind of medical insurance which covers alternative therapy, you're shit out of luck.
Anyway, this is just a battle for me to have some say over my treatment, and the fact that I don't particularly like the treatment models that that conventional medicine uses. I want to look at alternative treatment options. I am trying to do things which don't cost much. Plus I find I had to have the willingness to go the extra mile. Ie exercise and giving up smoking were two things which I was not open to previously but which I have now integrated into my life. Also yoga is another one which I am learning about and going to weekly classes. Good nutrition is another one which I seem to have a love hate relationship with.......some months I go on health kicks and eat all healthy foods and then according to my mood shifts, I can swing back to eating shit food again. Very up and down.
Anyway, I think I am making progress, but to be honest it all looks very bleak at the moment......maybe because I'm just starting out? Starting to initiate changes? It takes everything I've got to not lose faith.
I am going to make it, I am going to find a good quality of life and I am going to have a job, a flat, friends and be someone capable of having a meaningful relationship with somebody.
I will have those things.
I will not give up.
I guess reality is starting to sink in for me now. Now that I don't have any medication to blur my world or numb me.
No, it's not as I would like it. I seemed to have established some patterns and behaviours which aren't good. In fact which are past slightly rocking the boat, but which are causing untold grief.
Sometimes I don't know where to begin......where do I begin to make my life better?
The biggest obstacle for me at the moment is actually convincing myself that it is possible to change. That I'm not just going to end up on the scrap heap. A life full of failure and problems. Because that's where I feel like I am now.
Some days I feel hope, and I feel as if I have some insight into what's happening and how to change it. For instance, I finally came to realise that for many years I lived my life from the perspective of a 'victim'. I always blamed someone or something for my problems. Granted, I did take some responsibility for various things that went wrong in my life, but not all it seemed. And I don't think it's possible to make substantial change until I totally stop thinking and acting like a victim. Because I give all my power away when I come from that kind of a perspective.
I wonder if the medication dulls the senses on a continuous basis. So that a person is never really able to face the total reality of their situation. Maybe it's because some people aren't ready or able to face it all. Maybe there's too much to face and it seems to overwelming. I really don't know. I wonder if that's all the medication does though, year after year dulls and numbs. Mucking around with the persons natural body makeup and ability to sort through the problems. And when you are down and vulnerable and broke, and the only option you have is conventional medicine, and because I live in a western country, then it seems to me that my options are very limited. The system only offers conventional treatment, ie the government only funds conventional treatement. If you want to try anything else outside of that, you have to come up with the money yourself. Bit of a catch 22 situation I would say, if you don't come from a rich family or have some kind of medical insurance which covers alternative therapy, you're shit out of luck.
Anyway, this is just a battle for me to have some say over my treatment, and the fact that I don't particularly like the treatment models that that conventional medicine uses. I want to look at alternative treatment options. I am trying to do things which don't cost much. Plus I find I had to have the willingness to go the extra mile. Ie exercise and giving up smoking were two things which I was not open to previously but which I have now integrated into my life. Also yoga is another one which I am learning about and going to weekly classes. Good nutrition is another one which I seem to have a love hate relationship with.......some months I go on health kicks and eat all healthy foods and then according to my mood shifts, I can swing back to eating shit food again. Very up and down.
Anyway, I think I am making progress, but to be honest it all looks very bleak at the moment......maybe because I'm just starting out? Starting to initiate changes? It takes everything I've got to not lose faith.
I am going to make it, I am going to find a good quality of life and I am going to have a job, a flat, friends and be someone capable of having a meaningful relationship with somebody.
I will have those things.
I will not give up.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
not so alone
I've struggled with life, violent mood swings, addictions you name it for the past decade. I really don't want to go into it at the moment as I really don't know where to start!
I have a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder and have been told I fit the bill for BPD as well by a psychologist. Anyway, I shyed away from yet another 'label' so I haven't really looked much into BPD but as time goes on I can see that my life is a classic text book case.
I'm someone who is on a relentless crusade to find peace, stability and contentment, some semblance of a normal life, whatever that is. But at times it just seems hard, real hard. I get really lonely (part and parcel of the disorder) as I have a huge difficulty forming friendships, and the very few that I do manage to form, I have a very hard time maintaining them. So therefore I find myself walking this path alone for much of the time.
I have a cat who is such a wonderful companion. I also immerse myself in art whenever I can climb out of the inertia long enough. I'm an avid reader of self help books, I'm always looking for a spiritual path to connect with......
I've been to hell and back, battled with alcohol, food addictions, my life has been riddled with problems. For the past three years I have not been able to hold a steady job, before that I worked full time for the 10 years previous so that's been a huge blow to deal with.
Along with that, I hit a crisis 2 years ago and because I couldn't work I had to leave my independance behind and move in with my Dad. Although it has been a huge help, I now am feeling shame and embarrassment that I am 32 years old and unable to hold a job and am not out living in a flatting situation. I feel terrible that I'm dependant on my parent. So I am working on taking steps to reclaim my independance. Somehow in order to do that I am going to have to find a full time job, one which I can hold down. I'm really nervous about that since the last 3 jobs I've had haven't lasted any longer than 3 months. You really start losing faith in yourself when that kind of thing keeps happening. However, I have no idea how else I am going to be able to regain my independance, and sense of pride that comes with being able to support yourself, if I don't find a full time job that I can stick at.
I've began to see a counsellor.....again. I am hoping she will be able to support me as I go through the motions of getting back out on my own two feet again. It's scary. I'm scared my 'disorder' will rear it's ugly head again and try to take me out.
On the positive side, I have managed, in spite of this crap, made some positive changes to my health and lifestyle this year. After 17 years of smoking cigarettes, by nothing short of a miracle, became a non smoker 4 months ago! Any ex smoker will no that giving up is no mean feat. At least on the days when I feel down, at least I can say I kicked that nasty habit right up the backside.
Leading on from that I have made a concerted effort to pay more attention to my diet, and eat more fruit and vegetables. This is not easy as for some reason it doesn't come naturally. I have to consciously think about it everyday or else I will forget to eat them. This is an ongoing thing for me, I have alot of trouble with food, have been a binge eater in the past so it's an area of work in progress.
I've also joined a gym, and one month later I'm still going so that's a start at least! I am actually enjoying it, and enjoy the positive atmosphere of people doing something good for themselves. I have been lazy in the past, and really couldn't be bothered exercising for so long. Although I have been very active in the past, i go through phases. Back in 2001 I trained for a 28km race which I completed and played squash so it's not like I've always been a couch potato. Just that sometimes I get so down and out depressed I can't drag my ass out the front door.
So I'm making the most of going to the gym, at least it's another good step in the right direction.
My main things that are hard to cope with at the moment would be the shame that I carry for not working and not living independantly, and also loneliness for friends and a partner.
So when I found this collective blog section on MH sanctuary I was really happy, because at least there are other people out there like me, who are going through similar trials and tribulations, at least we dont' have to feel totally alone and maybe can get find some solace in being able to read how other people are doing.
So if anyone is reading this......welcome.
I hope to use this blog as somewhere I can be honest, pour my heart out when the pain gets too much, but also share about any good and positive things that come into my life.
As sad and depressed as I can find myself getting at times, I still have some hope, I hope I don't ever lose that. Hope for a bright future, hope for a life worth living, hope for some peace and hope for positive change.
Peace
I have a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder and have been told I fit the bill for BPD as well by a psychologist. Anyway, I shyed away from yet another 'label' so I haven't really looked much into BPD but as time goes on I can see that my life is a classic text book case.
I'm someone who is on a relentless crusade to find peace, stability and contentment, some semblance of a normal life, whatever that is. But at times it just seems hard, real hard. I get really lonely (part and parcel of the disorder) as I have a huge difficulty forming friendships, and the very few that I do manage to form, I have a very hard time maintaining them. So therefore I find myself walking this path alone for much of the time.
I have a cat who is such a wonderful companion. I also immerse myself in art whenever I can climb out of the inertia long enough. I'm an avid reader of self help books, I'm always looking for a spiritual path to connect with......
I've been to hell and back, battled with alcohol, food addictions, my life has been riddled with problems. For the past three years I have not been able to hold a steady job, before that I worked full time for the 10 years previous so that's been a huge blow to deal with.
Along with that, I hit a crisis 2 years ago and because I couldn't work I had to leave my independance behind and move in with my Dad. Although it has been a huge help, I now am feeling shame and embarrassment that I am 32 years old and unable to hold a job and am not out living in a flatting situation. I feel terrible that I'm dependant on my parent. So I am working on taking steps to reclaim my independance. Somehow in order to do that I am going to have to find a full time job, one which I can hold down. I'm really nervous about that since the last 3 jobs I've had haven't lasted any longer than 3 months. You really start losing faith in yourself when that kind of thing keeps happening. However, I have no idea how else I am going to be able to regain my independance, and sense of pride that comes with being able to support yourself, if I don't find a full time job that I can stick at.
I've began to see a counsellor.....again. I am hoping she will be able to support me as I go through the motions of getting back out on my own two feet again. It's scary. I'm scared my 'disorder' will rear it's ugly head again and try to take me out.
On the positive side, I have managed, in spite of this crap, made some positive changes to my health and lifestyle this year. After 17 years of smoking cigarettes, by nothing short of a miracle, became a non smoker 4 months ago! Any ex smoker will no that giving up is no mean feat. At least on the days when I feel down, at least I can say I kicked that nasty habit right up the backside.
Leading on from that I have made a concerted effort to pay more attention to my diet, and eat more fruit and vegetables. This is not easy as for some reason it doesn't come naturally. I have to consciously think about it everyday or else I will forget to eat them. This is an ongoing thing for me, I have alot of trouble with food, have been a binge eater in the past so it's an area of work in progress.
I've also joined a gym, and one month later I'm still going so that's a start at least! I am actually enjoying it, and enjoy the positive atmosphere of people doing something good for themselves. I have been lazy in the past, and really couldn't be bothered exercising for so long. Although I have been very active in the past, i go through phases. Back in 2001 I trained for a 28km race which I completed and played squash so it's not like I've always been a couch potato. Just that sometimes I get so down and out depressed I can't drag my ass out the front door.
So I'm making the most of going to the gym, at least it's another good step in the right direction.
My main things that are hard to cope with at the moment would be the shame that I carry for not working and not living independantly, and also loneliness for friends and a partner.
So when I found this collective blog section on MH sanctuary I was really happy, because at least there are other people out there like me, who are going through similar trials and tribulations, at least we dont' have to feel totally alone and maybe can get find some solace in being able to read how other people are doing.
So if anyone is reading this......welcome.
I hope to use this blog as somewhere I can be honest, pour my heart out when the pain gets too much, but also share about any good and positive things that come into my life.
As sad and depressed as I can find myself getting at times, I still have some hope, I hope I don't ever lose that. Hope for a bright future, hope for a life worth living, hope for some peace and hope for positive change.
Peace
Friday, December 15, 2006
Not looking forward to Christmas
This is going to sound like a totally depressing post, but I just need somewhere to write and get it out of my head.
The depression has been slowely making it's presence felt once again in my life. I have had constant bouts of it for as far back as I can remember.
I first started noticing it back in October, and ever since then it just seems to have become more pervasive.
I can't stand the depression, not only does it take away my motivation to do physical activity, it also slows my thinking down to snails pace. Everything seems grey, the books I normally devour no longer interest me in the slightest. It feels like everything slows down and nothing really has any zing to it anymore.
Plus it feels like a much more laborious struggle to control the negative thinking. Some days I just feel like nothing.
I haven't been able to hold a steady job down for almost three years now. In that time I have tried to go back to work on two occasions, but had to leave each job after only 3 months due to stress. Needless to say the whole package deal that comes with not working and dealing with depression is beginning to take it's toll.
I know that thinking positively is the best way to be. But somedays I just can't get on that wavelength. I can't even come close to it.
It's coming up to Christmas which is making it worse since I have no money to buy Christmas presents or even for any festivities. I just want to hide away this Christmas, I don't want to get involved in any family get togethers. Sounds really sad I know but that's just how I feel.
I have been trying to get a job for the past couple of months but due to my patchy history I have had no luck trying.
I'm so lost, sometimes I feel like it's never going to get any better. I feel like it is such a struggle to keep my head above water.
All sounds very hard luck, poor me, tragic and it probably is if I could see it from another perspective. It's just no fun coming up to this time of year with no money and no job, no close group of friends and no plans for any christmas get togethers.
I can't go on living like this any longer!! I am so sick of feeling so isolated and lonely. I just want to live.
The depression has been slowely making it's presence felt once again in my life. I have had constant bouts of it for as far back as I can remember.
I first started noticing it back in October, and ever since then it just seems to have become more pervasive.
I can't stand the depression, not only does it take away my motivation to do physical activity, it also slows my thinking down to snails pace. Everything seems grey, the books I normally devour no longer interest me in the slightest. It feels like everything slows down and nothing really has any zing to it anymore.
Plus it feels like a much more laborious struggle to control the negative thinking. Some days I just feel like nothing.
I haven't been able to hold a steady job down for almost three years now. In that time I have tried to go back to work on two occasions, but had to leave each job after only 3 months due to stress. Needless to say the whole package deal that comes with not working and dealing with depression is beginning to take it's toll.
I know that thinking positively is the best way to be. But somedays I just can't get on that wavelength. I can't even come close to it.
It's coming up to Christmas which is making it worse since I have no money to buy Christmas presents or even for any festivities. I just want to hide away this Christmas, I don't want to get involved in any family get togethers. Sounds really sad I know but that's just how I feel.
I have been trying to get a job for the past couple of months but due to my patchy history I have had no luck trying.
I'm so lost, sometimes I feel like it's never going to get any better. I feel like it is such a struggle to keep my head above water.
All sounds very hard luck, poor me, tragic and it probably is if I could see it from another perspective. It's just no fun coming up to this time of year with no money and no job, no close group of friends and no plans for any christmas get togethers.
I can't go on living like this any longer!! I am so sick of feeling so isolated and lonely. I just want to live.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)